Do I actually believe?
I wish I could say yes. I wish my faith was blind because it would give me freedom.
I could live life in unwavering confidence. Fear of death would be vanquished, uncertainty would hold no power over me, and each breath would fill me with gratitude. My purpose would be God’s purpose and I would no longer torment myself in the search of my “true self.”
But, I struggle. I’m inquisitive, I ask questions, I wonder about stuff. It’s maddening in my mind and I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I seek and seek and seek ad nauseum and I am never closer to any answers.
The rosary has helped to calm my mind. I listen to it on my way to work. Every day, as I weave through traffic I contemplate the Sorrowful, Glorious, Joyful and Luminous Mysteries. It’s proven to be an anchor for my turbulent subconscious. It is God and Mary and Jesus. It is protection. Padre Pio called it his weapon, and I often wonder what forces it keeps at bay. What battle between Good and Evil rages within my own spirit?
What foundation do I build my faith? I think it all starts here, in prayer and contemplation of those mysteries.
Pray the rosary. For me, it has become a doorway for renewal.
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